What do you do when someone Always wants a fight?
You want peaceful cooperation, collaboration and compromise - whilst the other person in the relationship seems to want an argument. It feels like there is a constant pull from an undercurrent that is looking to suck you into a downward spiral and if you take the bait you are in there! Once in, it is so much harder to get out.
How do you navigate the whirlpool spiral?
Keep a distance. Don’t ignore it. But stay in a neutral calm place in the body so you can keep the prefrontal cortex online. You are acknowledging the other person and what they are raising. You are acknowledging them and you are staying in the safe zone. It is a balancing act of being interested and invested, without being pulled in.
Have a think on what is the most likely comment to pull you in?
Either assemble a list from memory or create one the next time you are starting to feel hooked like a fish on a rod. Make a mental note of the exact comment that was the hook sinking into your flesh. If you don’t manage to stay neutral you have still captured the information.
When you formulate enough times that this has happened, then you will have a list that is long enough to act as pattern detection data. What is the theme? Who is the information about? What does it mean when they say that? What does it say about you? What are they saying you aren’t enough of/doing enough of or you’re doing/being too much of? Find the theme.
When you find the theme of what it is that spikes your cortisol, then and only then do you start to find a way to a calm lake with no dangerous undercurrents. Because the pattern, the theme gives you information about you and your pain points.
When you find the key theme of the pain - e.g., it is my fault (that may be what you are hearing throughout the pattern), you may vehemently disagree with the theme you see that the other person is directing at you and you may still find yourself enraged. Take the theme e.g., you make me feel x/ you don’t make me feel why. Mostly they are like roads leading to Rome. They all end up in a similar place.
Take the pain point and now forget the other person. They were merely giving you some useful information.
Why would it be your fault? What would be your fault? What is it you do that makes someone feel or not feel x? Just explore the inquiry. Openly and curiously.
You think these things about you. Have a think about why you think those things about you?
Once you let go of the fight you realise that the troubled water is your defence mechanism that is jumping in to try and prove to yourself that you are enough of something.
Test it out without telling anyone you are exploring it.
The more we know ourselves the more we can start to create rather than react.
Sarah x