Flow
Similarly, to the art of flow state for any creative - relationships (the art of relating) and our ability to relate are also blockable.
Body movements, facial gestures and verbal cues can be outward signals of inward blocks.
Picture this, you are talking to someone and this is what you see - a pursed lip (pulled in at the edges and pressed stiffly forwards), tightened - possibly off centre jaw, crossed arms, a leaning back and even a slight head tilt that positions the chin up and angles the head away from the other person (usually with features so unhidden this would be a parent child or teacher student interaction). Now imagine the tone, pitch, pace and language (or lack of) being used. It will likely be restricted to forced communication - imagine a head tipping back and a teenager saying - Yes! Ok, I won’t do it again! Are we done now?!
I would forgive you right now if you had forgotten that we started by talking about flow state.
In the scenario above we have an example of a conversation where one of the cocreators is against the creation. We can call it a withhold, a blocking move, withdrawal, disaffiliation or disalignment - but what it all comes back to is a block of connection, or at least an attempt to block connection and regain individuality with final questions such as - Are we done now? Can I go now? In any situation, the one asking the questions is the one with the power. It is a move to regain the ability to control and therefore protect.
Often, this isn’t a rational move by the way. The parent or the teacher are trying to connect so that the student/child can gain useful perspective.
This example is only used as an extreme demonstration to exemplify where, why and how connection in its fullest form can be blocked; and ultimately, how that disconnection is experienced as a direct contrast to flow state.
Conversation like all other forms of expression is art co created, and it either flows or can become blocked. This can happen in personal relationships, the work environment or the more extended ones.
So, what does it matter to us? Here is why it matters (IMO), I want you to know that as is the case in any area of life - even with the greatest blocks/disconnects - a return to something like flow state (connection) can always be achieved when the undercurrent that is the block is dissolved.
Being courageous enough to dissolve the undertones is a make or break move. Options to do this are:
Radical Acceptance - I accept everything that you are exactly as you are and I expect nothing from you. I give up my expectations entirely and accept you as you offer yourself to me and the world.
In a lot of cases the SEW method by Dr Julie Cowell can really help - S is for Sensations - Tell your partner or the person you are experiencing conflict/disconnect with the sensations in your body e.g. I have a tightness in my chest. My jaw feels tense. My headache has started. Name the sensation in the body. Then E is for Emotions - express the emotions you are feeling, no context/framing just I am experiencing sadness/loneliness/isolation/rejection/anger/frustration, whatever the emotion is name it. Then finally W is for What you Want - this needs to be focused on what you want not on the other persons lack of producing what you want e.g., I want to feel like I am understood. I want us to solve this in a way that we are both happy with the outcome. I want to give you a hug.
Radical Transparency and a willingness to dive into the Shadow Work - This is not acceptance of another but an investigation into what is really there. Why am I feeling what I am feeling? What is this experience I am having and why is that how things are showing up in me? What is it that the other person is reflecting to me about me? Where is my work and contribution in this? Oooh this is courageous work right here. When we look at what is happening to us and understand it isn’t being done to us and then the other person does the same - breakthroughs and transformations are a natural output.
If you have the amazing capacity to give so much love and acceptance you can do number one or your relationship has such beautiful capacity you can use frameworks such as SEW to help talk it through and reconnect then that is literally as good as it gets. Most people need a little support to get perspective, realign and express themselves clearly. That is what I do. I help people get back to a neutral space where they can connect and communicate with each other or themselves.
I help people get back into FLOW.